Mastin,
I was on your first Love U call. I am so full of gratitude for having you in my daily life. I carry your words with me everywhere I go and I tell everyone about your blog. ?You?re doing something so valuable and special. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your contribution to our lives and the world. Also, brace yourself; this is going to be a long email. I don?t know how to tell stories without giving as much back story as possible (apologies in advance). 
The reason I am writing you is because I feel like I am at a crossroads right now with myself and my life. ?For years I have craved a loving,?reciprocal?relationship but have never felt worthy of that kind of relationship because most of the men I?ve cared for deeply have not felt the same way about me and visa versa or have seriously done effed up shit to me. I?m 29 and I?ve had 2 serious relationships in my life. One lasted 7 years; this was an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy whom I met when I was only 14 years old. ?We had an on-again-off-again relationship from the start, but it turned out he was deceiving me the entire relationship. He was unfaithful, he was a liar, but he was my first love and I was addicted to him and was seeking his love and approval for 7 years. I didn?t see it then, but I was settling for crumbs. ?Eventually, things got better when we were both in college together. I talked about moving to L.A. all the time after graduation; he was not supportive of this, in fact, he was completely against it and tried to make me feel small about it. I knew that if I moved away, we were pretty much done and in a way, I couldn?t wait. I eventually broke up with him at age 21 and he got a girl pregnant shortly after that at Spring Break. This hurt so much at the time, but after about a year of crying myself to sleep every night, I began to pray to The Uni-verse, asking It to just hold me and change my heart. ?I was all alone in my house, but I felt a physical presence, wrapping Its arms around me, until I stopped crying and fell asleep. I?m not kidding when I say, I woke up the next morning with my heart full of love and free from this guy who had possessed me for 7 years. It was one of the most amazing miracles of my life.
I moved to L.A. in 2007 and met a guy 6 months later, pretty serendipitously at LAX while we were both on our way to Vegas to meet friends. As soon as we were back in L.A. we were like glue. He was sweet, kind and loved me so much, but I knew in my heart that he wasn?t the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. ?He was so good to me; he just did not stimulate me intellectually. Still, I continued a serious relationship with him out of fear that no one would ever love me as much as he did. After 2 years in this relationship, which was no longer, a romantic one, but a co-dependent one, I thought it would be a brilliant idea if we moved in together! We found the perfect place but we had to wait 2 months to move in. I remember having lunch with my brother one day and he told me that he was concerned that I was settling. He said, ?What if you meet someone else? We love the man you?re with, but we all know he?s not the one for you?, I replied, with these famous last words, ?When am I going to meet someone else? I go to work and I go home?work?home, rinse, repeat.? FIVE days after we moved in together, I met someone else?through work, of course. We fell hard and fast for each other. I broke up with my boyfriend as soon as I realized that I could never have feelings for him like the one?s I was feeling this new guy. He moved out about 3 weeks after we moved into this beautiful (and expensive) place together. The new guy from work lived in another state. We had never actually met in person, but spoke on the phone for work all the time and then that eventually led to calls after work, and then skyping and then he finally came to L.A. to meet me after a few months of this. The attraction was instantaneous; we shared so many common interests, we spoke the same language! Finally, someone who got me! ?I fell in love hard for him. We planned on him moving out to L.A. but that never worked out with his job. We tried to keep it together long-distance for as long as possible, but eventually, it felt like we were losing the spark and couldn?t spend enough quality time together to continue to grow the relationship, so we broke up. That was 2 years ago.
About 6 months after we broke up, I got a job offer in the city where he lives and decided to take this HUGE leap of faith and accepted the offer! I thought we were so meant to be together because of the way things just fell into place, but now that I think of it, I probably manifested it.?The Uni-verse had a different plan for me. ?I haven?t talked to him much since I moved to his city. We talked about meeting to catch up, but it never happened. I was hopeful that if we did hang out, we?d either get back together since the only reason we broke up was because of the distance OR I?d get closure. He completely rejected me. He?d make plans with me and then cancel the day of. Eventually I had to just let it go. Here I was, living in a new city, a city I had only ever been to with him (because of him), all alone and devastated.
After a few months, my friends encouraged me to join OKCupid. I knew I wasn?t ready to actually date anyone seriously so I generally avoided dates. ?I went on a few; they were mostly a bust and just made me feel lonelier so I disabled my account in October. About 2 weeks ago, I felt compelled to enable my OKC account. No idea why, just did it. I immediately got some emails from dudes wanting to start a dialogue and I ignored them all. I just wasn?t into it. Then, I get an email from this one guy with a BLANK profile, asking me to coffee. He didn?t even have a profile photo but for some reason, I emailed him back, basically telling him he had some nerve asking ladies out to coffee with a blank profile. He immediately apologized. A couple days passed and I hadn?t given OKCupid or this guy another thought. I get another email from him, letting me know that he had updated his profile & asked me to coffee again. I still didn?t email him back and forgot all about it.
A few days later, it was a beautiful day so I went to take some photos in a part of town that my ex had brought me to the first time I visited him over 2 years ago (I hadn?t been back there since). I walked along the path that we walked together and just let him out of my system. When I looked around at all the beauty I was surrounded by, I realized I had finally let him go. I was overcome with peace, love, gratitude and happiness. Sometimes it?s too much to contain and I get seriously emotional about this city and all the wonderful things that have happened here in just 18 months. When I got home later that day, I had an email from that OKCupid guy. He was so nice and polite and I felt bad that my first email was so bitchy so I emailed him back. I was in such a state of bliss that I agreed to meet him for coffee (which I normally never do). ?We met the next day at a coffee shop near my place. I got good vibes from him the second I walked in the door. I can remember thinking, ?where did this guy come from?? ?I know that sounds dramatic, but he really is great and it surprised me. We ended up sitting there for almost 5 hours talking. We went to get dinner afterwards; the conversation just flowed effortlessly. ?He?s a Christian guy, (one thing on my must-have list, which has never been checked off until now) and nerdy and sweet and funny and has good taste in music! ?He just started his own company and is working a lot right now, but we?ve kept in touch over the last week. We went out to dinner on a couple of days ago and had an amazing time together. We kept finding more things to do to keep the date going. I feel a connection with this guy and I feel like I?m finally, after 2 years, ready to let someone back in AND I don?t want to screw it up.
I read your blog daily before I even get out of bed and I?ve been working on myself for the entire year and a half I?ve been here, coping with the rejection and letting things go, recovering, dusting my heart off. I recognize what I need to work on and I want to be healthy emotionally and spiritually; I want to be ready; I just don?t know how to drop my guard and be vulnerable again. I hope that through your Love Uni-versity course, I will become more open to love and allow it in my life without fear. I hope to learn how to love myself enough to actually go after what I want. This is the one thing that has continued to be a struggle for me in my life: letting love in. I feel that I have been scarred more than I realize by my past relationships and I don?t believe that anyone will love me once they get to know me, once we?re spending real time together and I?m TERRIFIED of opening up just to get hurt again. My goal is put an end to the story that?s been on repeat in my mind and allow myself to truly believe that I am worthy of big love and that it will find me when I?m ready.
I don?t know why I felt compelled to tell you all of this. I guess maybe I just needed to think through it all through your eyes?I hope you weren?t annoyed/bored to tears by this long email.
xo,
Your TDLover <3
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This was shared with the author?s permission. We take your privacy seriously and would never publish something without your consent. Share what you?re going through by sending Mastin an email:?WhatImGoingThru@TheDailyLove.com.
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